Fairy Tales Messed Up: Tokyo Bablyon/X Style!
by Sumeragi Thirteen
Summary: What happens when you mix your favorite fairy tales with Tokyo Babylon and X/1999 characters? Pure MAYHEM!
1. Subaru and Hokuto

Summary: What happens when you take your favorite fairy tales and add Tokyo Babylon and X/1999 characters? Pure mayhem!!!  
  
This Chapter: Twins Subaru and Hokuto are starving to death and they must find food in the deep dark woods. However, they find something extremely…disturbing.  
  
Rating: PG-13 for shounen-ai (well, let's just say people get in the sac with the same sex here). S/S, S/S/K. Mild swearing, too, but you don't really mind that, do you?  
  
Author's Note: This is madness gone way too far. If this is REALLY stupid to you, it's stupid to me too. I just felt fairy tales needed a face lift.  
  
Fairy Tales Get Messed Up Tokyo Babylon/X Style  
  
Chapter I: Subaru and Hokuto  
  
Scene One:  
  
The scene opens with Subaru and Hokuto in ragged, medieval peasant costume in a medieval peasant house with medieval peasant furniture. Subaru is sitting at a rough wooden table, reading, his eyes slowly drooping while Hokuto is vigorously sweeping the dirt floor. She stops to glance over at Subaru.  
  
Hokuto: (right hand on her hip as she leans against the broom) Subaru! Why aren't you working?  
  
Subaru: (looks up, pouts) I'm too hungry to eat.  
  
Hokuto: (walks over to him and very maternally, puts an arm around him) There, there, Subaru, Mother will be back with something to eat sure enough.  
  
Subaru: (looks at her) Really?  
  
Hokuto: (nods and smiles) But until then… (shoves the broom in his face) Sweep! I'm going to try to tidy up before Mother comes home. (starts straightening out the table)  
  
Subaru: (takes the broom and begins sweeping) So hungry.  
  
1 Mother enters wearing equally ragged medieval peasant clothing. She's carrying a large, stuffed burlap sack.  
  
Mother: Hello, children.  
  
Subaru and Hokuto: (in unison) Good afternoon, Mother.  
  
Hokuto: (skips over to Mother, attempting to peek inside the sack, but mother snatches it away) How was market?  
  
Mother: (plops down into a chair) Wonderful!  
  
Subaru and Hokuto look at each other greedily, dribble excreting from their mouths.  
  
Mother: (opens up the sack and takes out a Precious Moments statuette) These were only 10 pounds a piece and I got seven!  
  
Hokuto: (flabbergasted) You spent 70 pounds on…on… statuettes?  
  
Mother: (nods) And get this…(pulls out a Beanie Baby) …two for 11 pounds!  
  
By now, Hokuto is having a seizure, mumbling, "We have not money, no food, no money, no food…"; and Subaru's frozen in time.  
  
Subaru: (meekly) Did you get any food?  
  
Mother: (smiles and reaches into the bag) Of course, silly, you think I'm a bad mother? (pulls out a loaf of bread) It was cheap because it's seven weeks old.  
  
Subaru: (grabs it greedily) Mine!  
  
Hokuto: (jumps at Subaru and wrestles the bread from his hands) I have a better idea! This bread is too old for us to eat.  
  
Subaru: (ravenously) So? At least we'll die from food poisoning instead of hunger! (attempts to snatch it from Hokuto, but she moves quickly out of his way, causing him to fall flat on his face)  
  
Hokuto: This is what we'll do: Subaru and I will try to find some food out in the woods. So we don't get lost, we can leave a trail of breadcrumbs behind us. Good plan, huh?  
  
Subaru: (rolls over onto his back) Screw the plan! I'm hungry!  
  
Mother: Sounds good to me, Hokuto. Be sure to watch out for the Witch. She's a very tricky old brawd, she is.  
  
Hokuto: (rolls her eyes) Oh, please! Everyone knows there's no "Witch"! It's just some perverted guy stealing little boys. The villagers are calling him "The Witch" because they always blame woman! (grabs Subaru by his hair and drags him across the floor) Come on, Subaru.  
  
Subaru: Ow! (makes an effort to stand)  
  
Scene two:  
  
Subaru and Hokuto are walking through the woods. Hokuto is picking off a tiny piece of bread every ten steps and dropping it to the ground.  
  
Subaru: (meekly) Hokuto, what if we don't find any food?  
  
Hokuto: We will. And if we don't… (laughs) …let's hope the wolves get us before the Witch!  
  
Subaru: (gasps) Is the Witch real?  
  
Hokuto: (laughs) Don't be silly! Didn't you listen to my little explanation of the Witch?  
  
Subaru: (shakes his head)  
  
Hokuto: Well, then, to sum it all up, there is no "Witch".  
  
Subaru: (smiles) Right, it's just some urban legend.  
  
They continue to trudge on, not noticing that they have entered The Really Scary Deep Dark Woods ™.  
  
Subaru: (perks up) Do you smell something?  
  
Hokuto: (closes her eyes and sniffs the air) Smells like…  
  
Both: CANDY!  
  
They run as fast as they can, forgetting to make the trail of breadcrumbs. Finally, after about a half a mile, they stop in front of a large gingerbread house with a frosting roof, gumdrop siding, crystallized sugar for windows, and a gram cracker door. The door slowly opens and a tall, handsome man steps out of the house. He gives them an amicable smile and begs them to come hither.  
  
Man: You children seem very hungry.  
  
They nod.  
  
Man: (his smile broadens as he winks at Subaru) I've made way too much food for myself. Perhaps you two would like to share it with me.  
  
They nod and Hokuto starts walking inside.  
  
Subaru: (snatches her arm) Wait! What about the Witch?  
  
Hokuto: What about her? Witches are female! Does this guy look like a woman to you?  
  
Subaru: (timidly) But what you said earlier…(sighs) I guess you're right. (walks in with her)  
  
Scene three  
  
Inside the man's house. It looks very much like a typical medieval cottage: a warm fire, large oven, quaint dinette set, two cages hanging from the ceiling large enough to stuff teenagers in…um, cages?  
  
Hokuto: (upon seeing the cages) Ah! He is the Witch! And he's going to stuff us in those cages, feed us lots of food so we get fat (God forbid), and then eat us!  
  
Man: (smiles) Not quite, my dear. I am going to stuff you in those cages…(grabs Hokuto by the collar and tosses her into one of the cast-iron cages, and then slams it and locks it, while Subaru cowers towards the door) …but I certainly wouldn't eat you and I certainly wouldn't want you to get fat. (winks at Subaru as he grabs him by the fanny, carefully places him in the other cage, and then gently closes and locks the door)  
  
Hokuto: (sighs) Oh, good. (grabs the bars and starts shaking the cage, causing it to rock back and forth) Then let us out! What are you going to do to us? (stops shaking the cage and turns white) Oh my God! You're going to kill Subaru and then… (gulps) …rape me. (begins crying) I thought my first time would be with the man I marry! Now I'll have to go into therapy, check into a mental hospital, start using drugs… oh, all my plans for the future have been ruined!  
  
Subaru: (panics) Kill me? Rape you? Oh, Hokuto… (thinks) I have to be a man and save my sister from this pervert. I….uh…(realizes that the man is staring at him) …what is he doing?  
  
Man: (walks over to the cage, putting his hand in through the bars and starts fiddling with Subaru's jacket sleeve) Who says I'm going to rape her and kill you?  
  
Subaru: (backs away) Hokuto…help…!  
  
Hokuto: (laughs out loud) Subaru has a boyfriend! When's the wedding?  
  
Man: (has a dreamy look in his eyes) Subaru, when is the wedding, huh? (brushes his hand against Subaru's cheek)  
  
Subaru: (slaps the man's hand) Stop it!  
  
Man: (backs away, smiling) If you deny my love, then why don't I just eat you two now? (laughs maniacally)  
  
Hokuto: (giggles nervously) Subaru's just nervous. He's never met a man of your caliber before and your beauty and charm overwhelm him.  
  
Subaru: Hokuto! (looks at the man, who's winking at him) No I'm not!  
  
Man: (hands Subaru a small twig with sakura on it) My name is Seishiro Sakurazuka. (grabs Subaru's hand) And you are?  
  
Subaru: (blushes) Subaru Sumeragi and this is my sister, Hokuto Sumeragi. (motions towards Hokuto, who smiles and waves)  
  
Seishiro: (kisses Subaru's hand) It's a pleasure to meet you… (his eyes twinkle) …Subaru.  
  
Subaru: (blushes beet red) Um…I'm a boy.  
  
Seishiro: (continues to hold Subaru's hand) So? You'll be a man soon enough.  
  
Subaru: I mean…I'm male and males aren't supposed to like males.  
  
Seishiro: (laughs deafeningly) You're too much, Subaru. (turns to Hokuto) Did he get out much?  
  
Hokuto: (leans against the bars) Hardly. He always stayed at home complaining. "I'm hungry. I'm dirty. I need new clothes. I'm diseased. Where's the penicillin?" On and on.  
  
Seishiro: Hungry? Dirty? Need new clothes? (winks) Well, I've got everything!  
  
Subaru: (comes up to the bars) Food?  
  
Seishiro: (nods) Of course. But first, you two need a bath. (unlocks their cages) Girls' bathroom's to your left, boys to the right. Don't think of escaping; I've locked the front and back doors. (jingles key in his pocket)  
  
Hokuto: (using psychic communication line all twins have with each other, she talks to Subaru through her mind) Subaru, I have a feeling that guy's going to want to take a bath with you.  
  
Subaru: (using the same line) Oh no! Hokuto, let's just kill ourselves now.  
  
Hokuto: No! When he takes his pants off, try to get the keys out of his pocket on the sly. If that doesn't work, get him drunk and then take the keys from him. Got it?  
  
Subaru: But, Hokuto!  
  
Hokuto: What?  
  
Subaru: Do I have to do anything with him? Ya know…  
  
Hokuto: Oh, yeah! Have fun! (ends psychic twin transmission)  
  
Seishiro leads Subaru into a bathroom.  
  
Scene four  
  
Subaru walks into an immense, nicely decorated bathroom that does not fit with the rest of the house. It has solid, white marble floors, a gigantic whirlpool tub (large enough for three people), fancy towels, candles placed around the tub and sink, and sakura spread throughout the bathroom. Seishiro follows Subaru in.  
  
Subaru: Mr. Sakurazuka…  
  
Seishiro: (puts a hand on Subaru's shoulder) Please, just call me Seishiro.  
  
Subaru: Sorry. (stares at the various components of the bathroom) What's all this for?  
  
Seishiro: (winks) For our romantic, candlelit bath.  
  
Subaru: What? But I hardly know you and I'm straight, I think.  
  
Seishiro: (grabs Subaru's hand and places it on his own chest) I feel like I've known you forever, yet we have just met. Fate has brought us together, Subaru Sumeragi, the same fate that will help me pronounce my affections towards you, and the same fate that will keep us together until the end of time.  
  
Subaru: (has been wooed)  
  
Seishiro: (lets go of Subaru's hand and claps his hands together) Now, then. Let's take a bath.  
  
Subaru: (looks down at himself and realizes he's merely in his swim trunks [A/N: keeping it PG-13]) What the…?  
  
Seishiro: My, you have such a beautiful, slender body. Can I touch it?  
  
Subaru: (grabs a towel and wraps it around himself) No! (tries to open the door, but it's locked) Hokuto! Help!  
  
Hokuto: (from the other room) Woo hoo! Go Subaru and Seishiro!  
  
Seishiro: (makes his way slowly towards Subaru) Don't worry, I wouldn't do anything to make you feel uncomfortable.  
  
Subaru: (sighs) Good.  
  
Seishiro: (wraps his arms around Subaru's waist) But I know you wouldn't feel uncomfortable around me, now, would you?  
  
Subaru: I would! (slaps Seishiro)  
  
Hokuto: (psychic twin transmission) Subaru….remember the plan!  
  
Subaru: Hokuto! Help!  
  
Hokuto: Oh, come on! You know you want to.  
  
Subaru: This isn't what happened to the real Hansel.  
  
Seishiro: (obviously read Subaru's thoughts) The real Hansel didn't have a hot "witch" like myself. (smiles) Now, shall we get clean or… (deepens his voice) …shall we get dirty?  
  
Scene five  
  
Yes, folks, the scene you most wanted to see was cut out. Don't think I'm going to put it in there! I'm too innocent! Well, not really. But I'm not in the mood for righting a lemon. I'll give you the morning after conversation, okay? Anyway… the next scene has Subaru and Seishiro in the cottage's kitchen/dining room. They are both seated at the large wooden table drinking coffee. Subaru in wearing an expensive silk robe and pajamas as well as fancy slippers. Seishiro is wearing a similar outfit. Subaru looks depressed, embarrassed, violated and what not while Seishiro looks overly happy. Hokuto enters curiously, wearing some outlandish costume that she normally wears in Tokyo Babylon.  
  
Hokuto: (excitedly sits next to Subaru) So? What happened last night?  
  
Subaru: (stares into his coffee mug) I…uh…you see… we…  
  
Seishiro: Oh, Hokuto, wouldn't you like to know.  
  
Hokuto: (begs) Tell me, tell me!  
  
Subaru: No!  
  
Seishiro: Well, the other person involved in the event in question has spoken.  
  
Hokuto: (leans back in her chair and folds her arms over her chest in a huff) You're no fun! After you said, "Shall we get clean or shall we get dirty." I didn't hear anything! (thinks) Actually, I heard a few no's, some yes's, and then later all yes's.  
  
Subaru: (turns bright red and puts his hand above his eyes as if trying to shield sunlight) Just pretend you didn't hear anything, okay?  
  
Hokuto: (giggles) Oh, alright. I'll try. (closes her eyes for a moment then opens them) I also heard water splashing. Must have been a real fun party last night. (breaks into a fit of laughter)  
  
Seishiro: Oh, it was. (laughs too)  
  
Subaru: (mumbles) This didn't happen to the real Hansel. (sighs and sinks low into the chair)  
  
Hokuto: (wipes a tear from her eye) Well, looks like we better get going.  
  
Seishiro: Going?  
  
Hokuto: Yes, Mother must be awfully worried about us by now and we don't even have any food! So, nice meeting you Seishiro. (grabs Subaru by the sleeve and drags him to the door) And my brother thanks you for the splendid time he had last night, even though he won't admit it. (attempts to open the door but it's still locked) Oh, that's right. Could you unlock the door please?  
  
Seishiro: (shakes his head no)  
  
Subaru: What? (walks over to Seishiro) I gave you my… (looks at Hokuto, who's smiling) …nevermind. But after all I've…uh…done, you should let us go!  
  
Seishiro: Oh, I admit that was quite the wonderful event last night. (stands and clutches Subaru's hand) However, I'm not through with you yet.  
  
Hokuto: (walks to Seishiro and points a finger at him) Listen, you! As much as I encourage your relationship with Subaru, I still think that you should give us our freedom, which we highly deserve, especially after all that… (snickers) …action last night!  
  
Seishiro: (laughs maniacally) Trust me, "all that" wasn't all enough for me.  
  
Subaru: Wait! Are you saying I'm not good enough for you?  
  
Seishiro: Oh, you're better than good. You just haven't given it to me enough times to deem it sufficient. (winks)  
  
Subaru: (blushes) Oh.  
  
Hokuto: (sighs and sits at the table) He's got a point. I mean, you don't kidnap a person and rape them once, now do you?  
  
Subaru: Hokuto! Don't say that word!  
  
Seishiro: Who ever said it was rape? (brings Subaru close to him) It wasn't rape, was it?  
  
Subaru: (blushes) I don't know…  
  
Hokuto: (sighs) Ya know, the real Hansel and Gretel threw the Witch into the oven. (smiles at Seishiro sinisterly)  
  
Seishiro: The oven is only two feet deep. You don't seriously think that you could stuff all of me in there?  
  
Hokuto: (laughs) We'll just have to stuff bits and pieces of you in there at a time.  
  
Seishiro and Hokuto laugh.  
  
Subaru: (stands from his seat) You wouldn't do that, Hokuto! I wouldn't let you.  
  
Hokuto: Oh, are you getting attached to your kidnapper, eh?  
  
Subaru: No! (blushes) I just think that you shouldn't treat people like that. (meekly) That's all.  
  
Seishiro: (holds Subaru in his arms) You're such a kind, innocent person. I have to change that. (leans over Subaru's face, ready to kiss him)  
  
Subaru: (stutters) Sei-sei-sei-…  
  
Seishiro: (drops Subaru on the ground) But it's too early in the morning. Let's make some porridge. Hokuto?  
  
Hokuto: (squeals) Oh! I love to cook! (scurries off to the kitchen)  
  
Subaru: (manages to lift himself back into the chair) Ow…  
  
Hokuto enters again momentarily carrying three bowls of porridge, each labeled with a name of the one of the inhabitants of the cottage. She places them on the table.  
  
Seishiro: (takes a scoop of porridge and puts it near his lips) Hm… Too hot.  
  
Subaru and Hokuto agree.  
  
Seishiro: I know! Why don't we go for a walk? By the time we get back, the porridge will be just right.  
  
Subaru: Wait! This is starting to sound like…  
  
Hokuto: (covers Subaru's mouth with her hand) A walk would be nice. (again, using psychic twin telepathy) We could try to escape again.  
  
Subaru: (through telepathy) Oh, right.  
  
They all exit the cottage, leaving their porridge sitting on the table. But unbeknownst to them, a tired, hungry interloper was just waiting for them to leave…And a few minutes later, he sneaks in the cottage.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED….Who is the guy sneaking up to the cottage? What are the rest of Seishiro's dirty plans? Are we gonna see a lemon? No, sorry. JOIN US NEXT TIME!! 


	2. Kamui and the Three...Um...People

Summary: What happens when you take your favorite fairy tales and add Tokyo Babylon and X/1999 characters? Pure mayhem!!!  
  
This Chapter: While Subaru, Hokuto, and Seishiro are out for a walk, someone invades their house looking for…porridge!  
  
Rating: PG-13 for shounen-ai (well, let's just say people get in the sac with the same sex here). Mild swearing, too, but you don't really mind that, do you?  
  
Author's Note: This is madness gone way too far. If this is REALLY stupid to you, it's stupid to me too. I just felt fairy tales needed a face lift.  
  
Fairy Tales Get Messed Up Tokyo Babylon/X Style  
  
Chapter II: Kamui and the Three…um…People  
  
Scene Six:  
  
Kamui: (falls out of his perch atop a tree where he was waiting for them to leave and slinks to the front door) A candy house must have food inside.  
  
He opens the door and steps inside to find a typical medieval cottage interior: a warm fire, large oven, quaint dinette set, two cages hanging from the ceiling large enough to stuff teenagers in, three bowls of porridge sitting humbly on the table…mm…porridge…  
  
Kamui: I love porridge! (plops himself in front of Seishiro's bowl and tests it) Hm…too cold. (he moves to Hokuto's bowl and tests it) Too hot! (tries Subaru's bowl and smiles) Just right! (he gobbles all of the porridge)  
  
Upon finishing the whole bowl, he stands and decides he'd like to sit and watch his favorite morning soap opera, "Their Future Was Preordained". He makes his way towards the telly to find three chairs.  
  
Kamui: (sits in the first one labeled "Seishiro") Too hard on my bony butt. (sits in the next one labeled "Hokuto") Too soft. (sits in the chair labeled "Subaru") Oh…this is…hm…very nice…it's…just right!  
  
After watching "Their Future Was Preordained", Kamui discovers that eating porridge and watching TV can tire out someone with virtually no meat on their bones. As he stands, the chair accidentally breaks. He shrugs and makes his way to the loft where he finds one bed. That bed is labeled "Hokuto". Kamui decides that anything labeled "Hokuto" isn't going to be the best. He has to find the bed labeled "Subaru", which seems to be the ideal label for everything. He goes back to the main floor where he finds a master bedroom. In that bedroom, there is one, king-sized bed labeled "Seishiro and Subaru's Great Love-Making Bed of Passion". Kamui concludes this is the closest he'll come to the comfortable bed worthy of this "Subaru" person, so he takes off his shoes and school uniform (that's all he ever really wears), which means he's only in his undershirt and briefs, and collapses in the bed all snug and warm.  
  
Kamui: (mumbles) I have to meet this Subaru person…  
  
Scene Seven:  
  
A few hours later, Seishiro, Subaru, and Hokuto are just outside the cottage door, ready to enter and eat some yummy porridge!  
  
Subaru: Our porridge is probably growing stuff by now. We shouldn't have taken such a long walk.  
  
Seishiro: Well, if you hadn't tried to run away while Hokuto and I were getting ice cream…  
  
Subaru: I thought Hokuto was going to run too!  
  
Hokuto: Not while we were getting cookie dough ice cream I wasn't! (turns to Seishiro) That's my favorite, you know.  
  
Subaru sighs as he opens the door. They enter to find their porridge bowls tampered with.  
  
Seishiro: (picks up his bowl) Someone's been eating my porridge.  
  
Hokuto: (does the same) Mine too!  
  
Subaru: (stares at his bowl) Someone's been eating my porridge and it's all gone! (his stomach growls) So hungry…  
  
Seishiro: If you hadn't tried to run away while we were getting some nice ramen noodles…  
  
Subaru: I thought Hokuto was going to run too!  
  
Hokuto: Not while we were getting ramen noodles I wasn't! (turns to Seishiro) I love ramen noodles, you know.  
  
Seishiro: (points to his chair) Someone's been sitting in my chair.  
  
Hokuto: (examines the chair, which has no visible signs of having been occupied) How can you tell?  
  
Seishiro: (narrows his eyes) I can smell 'em.  
  
The twins look at each other, confused.  
  
Hokuto: (notices an indentation in her chair) Someone's been sitting in my chair, too.  
  
Subaru: Why is Hokuto's name on the chair?  
  
Seishiro: (smiles) Since you two are staying here awhile, I decided I should label all our stuff.  
  
The twins look at each other again, confused.  
  
Subaru: Hey! Someone's been sitting in my chair and he broke it. (disappointed) I was looking forward to sitting in my chair and watching my favorite soap, "Their Future Was Preordained".  
  
Seishiro: Well, if you hadn't tried to run away while we were watching the taping of an episode…  
  
Subaru: I thought Hokuto was going to run too!  
  
Hokuto: Not while we were watching the taping of my favorite show I wasn't! (to Seishiro) I love that show!  
  
Seishiro: (scratches his chin) I wonder who the perpetrator is.  
  
Subaru: (notices the master bedroom's door is open) Maybe he's in here.  
  
They creep in.  
  
Subaru: (reading the label over the bed) "Seishiro and Subaru's Great Love- Making Bed of Passion"?  
  
Seishiro: (smiles sinisterly) You like?  
  
Hokuto: Shh! (points to the bed) There's someone under the covers.  
  
Kamui: (from under the covers, he mumbles) Subaru…  
  
Hokuto giggles while Subaru blushes.  
  
Seishiro: (abruptly) How dare he… (pokes Kamui with his finger) Wake up!  
  
Kamui: (still asleep) Subaru has the best stuff… (he suddenly wakes just before Seishiro is about the strangle him)  
  
Seishiro: Well, good morning, star shine.  
  
Kamui: (shrieks) Ah! The three bears!  
  
Hokuto: (rolls up her sleeve, ready to beat him) Who you callin' a bear?  
  
Subaru: No! (holds Hokuto back) Don't hurt him. He was just tired and hungry like we were. Let him stay here.  
  
Seishiro: Damn. I was so looking forward to making love to you in that bed, Subaru.  
  
Subaru: Well, if you hadn't run…Never mind.  
  
Kamui: So, you must be Subaru, Seishiro, and Hokuto. (he blushes upon saying Subaru's name)  
  
Subaru: (nods) We are. But what are you doing here?  
  
Seishiro: (interrupts) No time for stories. We're all very tired after our long walk and chasing Subaru after he ran away about ten times. Shall we go to bed?  
  
Hokuto: But it's only two in the afternoon!  
  
Seishiro: (elbows Hokuto and says through his teeth) We're all very TIRED and would like to go to BED, if you catch my drift.  
  
Hokuto: OH! (smiles) Well, I'll see you boys later. (begins to leave) Have fun SLEEPING. (laughs and exits)  
  
Subaru: Hokuto! (tries to run after her) Don't leave me! [A/N: All TB fans should cry right now.]  
  
Seishiro: (grabs Subaru by the collar) Oh, no. You need your REST. (winks)  
  
Kamui: (not realizing what Seishiro means) I'm still a little tired…  
  
Seishiro: (not realizing that Kamui doesn't realize what he means [A/N: ?]) Well, I guess you can REST here.  
  
Subaru: No! (attempts to escape Seishiro's grasp again, but he has a tight grip on his collar)  
  
Kamui: What's wrong with sleeping?  
  
Subaru: I don't want to SLEEP with him.  
  
Seishiro: (puts an arm around Subaru) That's not what you SAID last night. (he brings his face close to Subaru's)  
  
Subaru: (nervously) This didn't happen to the real Hansel.  
  
Kamui: (finally realizing what's going on, he wraps his arms around Subaru's waist) This didn't happen to the real Goldilocks either. 


	3. Kamui and the Beanstalk

Summary: What happens when you take your favorite fairy tales and add Tokyo Babylon and X/1999 characters? Pure mayhem!!!  
  
This Chapter: Kamui tells the tale of the time he meets a confused giant. Well, kind of…  
  
Rating: PG-13 for shounen-ai (well, let's just say people get in the sac with the same sex here). Mild swearing, too, but you don't really mind that, do you?  
  
Author's Note: This is madness gone way too far. If this is REALLY stupid to you, it's stupid to me too. I just felt fairy tales needed a face lift.  
  
Fairy Tales Get Messed Up Tokyo Babylon/X Style  
  
Chapter III: Kamui and the Beanstalk  
  
Scene Eight:  
  
After an afternoon, evening, night, and early morning of sweaty, hot, medieval, gay sex, Subaru, Seishiro, and Kamui are all sitting up in the king-size bed with Subaru in the middle. The label on the bed has changed to "Subaru, Seishiro, and Kamui's Bed of Sweaty, Hot, Medieval, Gay Sex". Kamui is snuggled up with Subaru while Seishiro is smoking.  
  
Subaru: (looks overwhelmed) What the hell happened last night?  
  
Kamui: (kisses Subaru's bare neck) Only the best thing that's happened to me since I sold my cow.  
  
Subaru: What?  
  
Kamui: (sighs) I guess I should explain a little about myself.  
  
Seishiro: After what happened last night, I think we know each other quite well.  
  
Kamui: (laughs) Believe me! There's a lot you don't know…  
  
Scene Nine:  
  
Flashback. Kamui is walking along a dirt road dragging a cow with a rope behind him. Actually, it's Kotori in a cow costume. She is mooing and complaining.  
  
Kotori: Kamoooooi?  
  
Kamui: Yes? (not bothering to face her)  
  
Kotori: Why do ymooooo have to sell me?  
  
Kamui: (sighs) We're very poor and we need the money for food.  
  
Kotori: Moo.  
  
They walk for awhile in silence until they come across an old woman.  
  
Kanoe: Hello, boy.  
  
Kamui: (nods) Good morning, old woman.  
  
Kanoe: (angrily) Who you calling old? (clears her throat and smiles) How you like to make a trade for your cow?  
  
Kotori: Moo.  
  
Kamui: How much?  
  
Kanoe: (reaches into her cleavage and brings out three beans) How about these three magical beans?  
  
Kamui: You're crazy. Who would trade this scrawny, ugly, stupid…(pauses) I'll take the beans. (he hands the rope to Kanoe and she hands him the beans)  
  
Kanoe: You won't regret it, my boy. (when Kamui turns and leaves, she says) Now, my little cow, I'll be able to get the sacred sword from you.  
  
Kotori: Moo.  
  
Scene Nine:  
  
Back to the bedroom  
  
Subaru: Hold on. This is starting to sound like Jack and the Beanstalk.  
  
Kamui: So?  
  
Subaru: You can't be two different characters!  
  
Seishiro: Well, Hokuto, you, and I were Hansel and Gretal characters as well as the three bears.  
  
Subaru: Oh, yeah.  
  
Kamui: May I continue?  
  
Scene Ten:  
  
Kamui is outside a medieval cottage planting his beans.  
  
Kamui: I'm outside planting my beans.  
  
He goes inside anxious to see what happens to the beans over night.  
  
Kamui: I'm anxious to see what happens to the beans over night.  
  
The next morning, Kamui wakes up to find the beanstalk has grown high into the sky. Curiously, Kamui decides to climb it to see what's at the top. And wouldn't you know it, there's a giant house there! Nosily, Kamui enters. Okay, it's not as big as he thought it was, just big enough for a tall person. Upon the table sits a golden goose laying golden eggs.  
  
Kamui: Say, golden goose?  
  
Goose: Yes?  
  
Kamui: Can I take you home so you'll make millions of golden eggs for me and make me stinkin' rich so I can buy all the drugs and prostitutes I want and never feed you and probably abuse you?  
  
Goose: (shrugs) Why not?  
  
Just as Kamui's about to grab the goose, he hears foots steps coming from the other room.  
  
Voice: Fee fie fo fum! I smell the blood of an anorexic Japanese schoolboy! (mutters) Must be Kamui.  
  
Kamui: (quickly hides under the table, the tablecloth obstructing any view he would have of the person entering the room)  
  
Voice: Goose, has Kamui been here?  
  
Goose: Naw.  
  
Voice: (sighs) Goose, what have I told you?  
  
Goose: Oh, shoot. (clears its throat) Of course, master, I have seen "Kamui". You're "Kamui" and I'm seeing you now, so yes, I have seen "Kamui".  
  
Kamui: (sits under the table, confused)  
  
"Kamui": But where is the other Kamui?  
  
Goose: I don't know, master. (motions towards under the table)  
  
"Kamui": (lifts tablecloth to reveal Kamui) Kamui!  
  
Kamui: Fuuma!  
  
"Kamui": I'm not Fuuma. Who is Fuuma? I am "Kamui"!  
  
Kamui: Fuuma?  
  
"Kamui": Who's Fuuma?  
  
Kamui: You're Fuuma.  
  
"Kamui": No, I'm "Kamui".  
  
Kamui: I'm Kamui.  
  
"Kamui": Me too.  
  
Kamui: No, Fuuma.  
  
"Kamui": Who's Fuuma?  
  
Kamui: You are.  
  
"Kamui": I'm "Kamui".  
  
Kamui: No, you're Fuuma.  
  
Kamui: (narrating to Seishiro and Subaru) This went on for a few hours, then we finally came to a conclusion…  
  
"Kamui": Okay, so I'm "Kamui" Formerly Known as Fuuma With Quotations Around the "Kamui" Part. But that's too long.  
  
Kamui: Then we'll shorten it. How about just Fuuma?  
  
"Kamui": But I'm…  
  
Kamui: Fuuma it is, then!  
  
Fuuma: Fuuma… Doesn't that mean he/she/you (formal) smokes in Spanish? I don't want to be an ad for cigarettes.  
  
Kamui: No! Fuma with one "u" means he/she/you (formal) smokes in Spanish. You have two "u"s.  
  
Fuuma: Oh. That makes sense.  
  
Scene Eleven:  
  
Back in bed.  
  
Subaru: Not to be rude, but does this story have a point?  
  
Kamui: (laughs) Not really. Fuuma and I made a lot of money off of that goose, then it ran away. We got in a fight, I ran away, he chased after me, I cut down the beanstalk, and he fell down with it. End of story.  
  
Seishiro: (puts out his cigarette) What'd you do after that?  
  
Kamui: I found a nice family to stay with.  
  
Subaru: Why'd you leave them?  
  
Kamui: (shrugs) I guess I was too crowded. But I miss them and would like to go back. Seishiro: (takes out another cigarette) Isn't that sweet.  
  
Subaru: (to Seishiro) Let's take him home!  
  
Kamui: (all starry eyed) You'd do that for me?  
  
Subaru: (smiles and nods kindly) Of course. (thinks) Anything to give me a chance to escape. 


	4. Hinoto and the Seven...Um...People

Summary: What happens when you take your favorite fairy tales and add Tokyo Babylon and X/1999 characters? Pure mayhem!!!  
  
This Chapter: Subaru, Seishiro, Hokuto, and Kamui arrive at Kamui's old house where they find his…very interesting family.  
  
Rating: PG-13 for shounen-ai (well, let's just say people get in the sac with the same sex here). Mild swearing, too, but you don't really mind that, do you?  
  
Author's Note: This is madness gone way too far. If this is REALLY stupid to you, it's stupid to me too. I just felt fairy tales needed a face lift.  
  
Fairy Tales Get Messed Up Tokyo Babylon/X Style  
  
Chapter IV: Hinoto and the Seven…um…People  
  
Scene Twelve:  
  
Subaru, Seishiro, Kamui, and Hokuto are all walking through the woods. Hokuto is carrying a picnic basket and wearing a cute little medieval peasant dress as a fashion statement.  
  
Hokuto: So, how was last night?  
  
Subaru: (blushes) Hokuto!  
  
Seishiro: (laughs) We were like the Three Little Pigs during mating season!  
  
Subaru: Seishiro!  
  
Hokuto: (hangs on Seishiro's arm) Give me all the gory details.  
  
Seishiro: (thinks for a moment, then responds) First, I watched Kamui and Subaru…  
  
Subaru: (shouts) LOOK! (points to a cottage in the distance)  
  
Hokuto: Damn! I'll never hear anything good!  
  
Kamui: That's my house!  
  
Subaru, Hokuto, and Kamui run to the cottage while Seishiro strolls over. [A/N: Seishiro does NOT run.] Kamui knocks on the door.  
  
Kamui: Hinoto! I'm home!  
  
Hinoto: (from inside) Just a moment!  
  
They hear something shuffling across the floor inside, a few chairs and stuff falling over, and a few "ouch"s. The door opens to reveal a blind, deaf, mute girl wearing fancy white robes and with long, silky white hair. She was crawling on her hands and knees and upon "seeing" Kamui, she hugs him around the knees.  
  
Hinoto: Kamui!  
  
Hokuto: Oh my God! Who would leave a blind, deaf, mute, paralyzed girl home alone?  
  
Subaru: And how does she talk?  
  
Hinoto: I communicate through my mind. Don't worry about me, I'm fine alone. (she motions for them to enter)  
  
Scene Thirteen:  
  
After running into about a hundred things, Hinoto instructs them to have a seat at the table where there are eight chairs.  
  
Subaru: Kamui, how could you leave her here by herself?  
  
Hinoto: It's alright, Subaru. I can take care of myself. And I'm not alone all day.  
  
Seishiro: Oh? Who lives here with you?  
  
Suddenly, the group hears singing coming from a distance away. It gradually grows louder until they can hear the distinct lyrics:  
  
Hi ho! Hi ho!  
  
It's off the work we go!  
  
[A/N: A different voice sings each different line]  
  
I work at a school!  
  
I work at a shrine!  
  
I work at McDonalds's!  
  
I go to school!  
  
I work at a strip joint!  
  
Subaru: Who are these people?  
  
Kamui: (begins to cry tears of joy) They're my family.  
  
In walk five people. Upon seeing Kamui, they rush up to him a hug him.  
  
Hokuto: Mind introducing us?  
  
Kamui: Oh, sorry. This is Doc [Aoki], Grumpy [Arashi], Dopey [Sorata], Sneezy [Yuzariha], and Sluty [Karen].  
  
Subaru: Oh no! Not another fairy tale!  
  
Hokuto: Aren't there supposed to be seven of you?  
  
Kamui: Well, I'm the sixth, but we don't have a seventh. (he looks at Subaru)  
  
Subaru: I…am…not…  
  
Seishiro: (grabs Subaru) Damn straight. Let's leave.  
  
Hinoto: Don't you want to stay for dinner?  
  
Seishiro: No, thank you. (he exits with Subaru in his arms and Hokuto right behind them)  
  
Scene Fourteen:  
  
Subaru, Seishiro, and Hokuto are walking back to Seishiro's cottage.  
  
Hokuto: Seishiro, why did you want to leave?  
  
Subaru: Yeah. I wanted to leave, but we haven't done anything I wanted to do this whole fic!  
  
Seishiro: (shrugs) This fic isn't going anywhere, so I decided we should just end it with you and I in our bed making love.  
  
Hokuto: Woo hoo! Talk about going out with a bang! Get it? Bang! (laughs insanely [A/N: so is the author])  
  
Seishiro: (laughs too) Yes. A bang!  
  
Subaru: No! No banging!  
  
Hokuto: (looks at Subaru in disgust) Geez, Subaru, you don't have to call it that!  
  
Seishiro: I agree. That's just poor manners.  
  
Subaru: But you guys…Never mind. (sighs as they enter the cottage) 


	5. The Brothers Grimm

Summary: What happens when you take your favorite fairy tales and add Tokyo Babylon and X/1999 characters? Pure mayhem!!!  
  
This Chapter: Subaru, Seishiro, and Hokuto arrive home to find two strange men as well as…something else!  
  
Rating: PG-13 for shounen-ai (well, let's just say people get in the sac with the same sex here). Mild swearing, too, but you don't really mind that, do you?  
  
Author's Note: This is madness gone way too far. If this is REALLY stupid to you, it's stupid to me too. I just felt fairy tales needed a face lift.  
  
Fairy Tales Get Messed Up Tokyo Babylon/X Style  
  
Chapter V: The Brothers Grimm  
  
Scene Fifteen:  
  
The cottage is exactly the same as it was when they left: a warm fire, large oven, quaint dinette set, two cages hanging from the ceiling large enough to stuff teenagers in, three bowls of porridge sitting humbly on the table (though stale and growing things), two strange men sitting by the fire smoking pipes…huh?  
  
Hokuto: (gasps) Who are you guys?  
  
Subaru: (prays) Please don't be from another fairy tale!  
  
Seishiro: (his eyes narrow as he stares at the two men) They're not from any fairy tale. They're the Brothers Grimm.  
  
Grimm1: (stands and points his pipe at Seishiro) That's right. And you, sir, are completely destroying our fairy tales!  
  
Grimm2: (stands beside his brother) You have changed everything into some sick, CLAMP jamboree of mayhem!  
  
Seishiro: (smiles) Why, thank you.  
  
Subaru: You made all this happen, Seishiro?  
  
Seishiro: Well, not really. It wasn't all my idea.  
  
Hokuto: Then whose was it?  
  
Seishiro: (points to the Brothers Grimm) The structure of the stories is by them.  
  
Grimm1: The structure you have destroyed then rebuilt into something perverted and evil.  
  
Seishiro: (thinks for a moment, then responds) Something like that. But I had more help.  
  
Subaru: (starts sobbing) Seishiro, why are you so evil? (faints)  
  
Hokuto: Subaru!  
  
Seishiro: The only way to wake him is with a kiss from a handsome prince. (leans over to give Subaru a kiss)  
  
Grimm2: (grabs Seishiro's shoulder) Oh, no you don't! You're not ruining Sleeping Beauty too!  
  
Seishiro: Fine. (brushes off his shoulder then gets a glass of cold water and pours it over Subaru's face)  
  
Subaru: (wakes up) Uhn… (rubs his eyes) Seishiro?  
  
Seishiro: (gently) Yes, my pet?  
  
Subaru: (blushes) Who controlled this evil, manipulative story?  
  
Hokuto: (gasps) There! (points to a corner of the ceiling where a little, fist-size goblin is hanging)  
  
Seishiro: (being the tallest in the room, he reaches up and grabs it) What's this?  
  
Goblin: (struggles and squeals in a raspy, high-pitched voice) Nyaa! Let me go! Nyaa!  
  
Hokuto: (repulsed) What is it?  
  
Seishiro: What else could it be? It's the author.  
  
Everyone else: The author?!  
  
Author: Nyaa! You can't do this to me! Nyaa!  
  
Grimm1: But, why did you change our stories like this?  
  
Author: Nyaa! I was just having fun! Nyaa!  
  
Subaru: How could you make Seishiro do those things to me?  
  
Author, Seishiro, and Hokuto: (laugh)  
  
Subaru: Oh.  
  
Grimm2: You can't change our stories like this! We'll sue!  
  
Author: Nyaa! You're dead! Nyaa!  
  
Grimm1: How dare you talk to us like that!  
  
Seishiro: (clears his throat) You two died over two hundred years ago.  
  
Grimm Brothers: Oh.  
  
Hokuto: Alright. Frankly, I don't mind this story, but could you please make everything back to normal?  
  
Author: Nyaa!  
  
Subaru: Why not? Haven't you had enough amusement for today?  
  
Author: Nyaa!  
  
Seishiro: Let's make a deal, then.  
  
Author: Nyaa! I'm listening! Nyaa!  
  
Seishiro: (in a smooth voice) How about you make things back to normal for now, but you can write fics about us whenever you want. How does that sound?  
  
Author: Ny…  
  
Seishiro: Before you say no (or "nyaa"), listen to this. You can also…(whispers something in the author's ear)  
  
Author: Nyaha! Okay! Nyaha! (disappears)  
  
Subaru: What did you tell it? (looks down and realizes he's wearing only a speedo) Ah! (looks to Seishiro, who is also wearing a speedo) What DID you tell it?!  
  
Seishiro: (shrugs) Something about the fact that every time we're both wearing a speedo in one of her fics we have to sleep together. Something like that…  
  
Hokuto: Woo hoo! (shoves both of them in the master bedroom)  
  
Subaru: No! (attempts to open the door) You can't do this!  
  
Author: (from somewhere far off) Nyahahahahahahah!  
  
And they lived happily ever after….  
  
THE END  
  
[A/N: If you think this ending sucks, you should have seen the other one!] 


End file.
